It made me think.
I've kept a couple of blogs over time, nothing that will set the world on fire, but they served and will continue to serve a purpose for me.
One was bittersweet for me, it was emotional and declared my longing for an unavailable option. Another was a travel blog with a name my daughter inspired as a toddler. I think there are others I've let drift into the ether of cyberspace, then there's the other one.
I was drafting what I thought might one day become a premise for a book. Contemporary Christian music with Bible references to back up the words and the meaning. I could see people using it as a ten minute daily devotional. It meant rather a lot to me to write, as I am such a daily struggler in faith and the daily Christian life, it made me look into myself. It was a faith builder as well, as I was actually using my Bible (I KNOW, right?!) and researching.
Then one day I got an email. "XXXJJJ is following your blog".
Omigosh, I stopped in my tracks.
How can this be possible? Someone actually READ my stuff?
Oh maybe they'd decided they made a mistake and un-followed, I'd better check.
I went to the blog, and there it was, the name of my one (hah!) follower.
What would any normal blogger do? Panic and close the computer down? Make a coffee and watch Dexter to take their mind off their blog?
That's what I did, anyway.
And to this day I have never written another post on that blog. My notebook is full of the posts I want to write, but (here's the kicker) now I know someone is reading it, I'm hesitant.
What if they hate it?
what if they disagree with me?
What if my version of God doesn't agree with theirs?
I actually believe God wants me to use that blog. I believe He can use it.
It reminded me of a conversation I had with my mother a few years ago about something unrelated, in which she told me she thinks as afraid as I am of failure, I'm just as afraid of success. (Not that one follower constitutes success, y'know... just sayin')
Ridiculous.
As if.
Pfft, don't we all want this? And look... this is a "God" thing, a "good" thing.It can't be wrong.
So why did I stop?
It's been a year or so since then.
Last week I was listening to the wonderful commencement speech author Neil Gaiman gave at University of the Arts
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ikAb-NYkseI)
in which he says - of success - "I kept thinking someone would find me out, and find out I was a fake"
I was stunned. yes, that's where I was.
People might read my blog and think I'm a much nicer, nobler and more gracious person than I am. They might meet me or worse, know me, and find out the truth!
Me with my intermittent OCD, ADHD, Aspergers and bad accent imitations.
Me who thinks before I speak 90% of the time, who hurts people with words, mostly unknowingly, and whose oft-times inane conversations drive other people nuts.
me who is forgetful and cross eyed, sometimes unreliable and even lets out a curse word or two.
Yeah that me. What if they realised the reality didn't add up to the words?
Taking it further than a blog, I know I want to do something BIG. Something that will help someone. I want to save all the orphans. I want to eliminate a mother's grief watching her baby die of malnutrition in Africa. I want to provide blankets and warmth for the poor, beds for the homeless. I want prisoners to see their kids more. I want street kids to learn purpose, to educate the illiterate, to give free food to the hungry and justice to the deserving.
In fact if I ever got a tattoo, it would be the Bible verse Micah 6:8 which says "Act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with your God".
So why don't I just DO it? Because... what if I fail on the way? I don't seek any honour for myself in doing these things, truly, so it's not that I'm worried about myself failing necessarily.(ie I don't want people telling me I'm wonderful for doing anything, so I won't miss that recognition)I just want to do it, do it well and walk away then do it again. But what if it's too big? What if I just...can't... do.. it... all? Ha, funny, of course, I can't. And still I procrastinate.
About restarting that blog.
About visiting China's orphans.
About making waves in the world of literacy.
About further study.
So what am I really afraid of?
Still, it's that people will think I'm a nicer person than I am. They'll look at that and say:
"she's not so great, she used to yell at her own kids, now she's hugging orphans"
"Yeah she reads, yeah her kids all read, but she didn't sit with them and read when they were older"
I decided to google "fear of success". There are hypno and alternate therapists offering me immediate success in eliminating it (obviously they don't suffer this phobia, making claims like that!) How about this statement -
"The fear of self-promotion is sometimes linked to imposter syndrome, a disorder hallmarked by feeling like a fraud, no matter how many accomplishments you make."
http://phobias.about.com/od/introductiontophobias/a/fearoffailure.htm
I know I'm not alone and I'm thankful that I can pursue dreams, that I live where I can procrastinate, that I can have the privilege of feelings rather than be dictated to. I just need to have the need to help overcome my fear of being a nuisance.
Have you faced a fear and overcome?
Oh and by the way. If you want to follow, go ahead. I'm going to be pleased this time.
yep. I am.
