One step at a time

Fourteen days and counting...

The last two weeks have been far less stressful or emotional than I had assumed they might be. Giving up my meds so far has been fine, though I know I still have a long way to go.

Interestingly, I thought the meds increased my weight, but since coming off them, I have put on weight - only a smidge mind you but enough that me, who has been on a fitness kick, notices.

I think I'm glad I have my walk/run routine, it clears my head and gives me a break from myself. I am fully aware that because I have the personality I do, I could turn the routine into an obsession, but I'm playing that carefully as well.

I'm looking forward to being completely free of meds, but at the same time am fully cognisant that if I need to I will jump back on board with them. My overthinking, over imaginative self can be chaos. As I have mentioned, it's anxiety that gets me, and that's how. My brain chatters non stop.

I am always interested to read other people's stories, and today read that Wil Wheaton (Star Trek, Big Bang theory, beer maker and nerd) recognised his own need for medicated stability. I had known it, but to re-read his story was encouraging.
http://www.nami.org/Template_itstime.cfm?Section=Its_Time&Template=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=163694


I would urge that if you struggle, seek help. Don't think it will blow over or it'll be better after (insert whatever thing you think is holding you back from joy) happens. It might, it might not. Don't assume anything. Chances are more likely that you are prolonging finding help.

If you know, work with or live with a depressive, can I make some suggestions?

Don't tell them they look fine. (But you always look happy!)
Don't tell them they don't look depressed. (What does this look like anyway?)
Don't tell them they're doing well (if they obviously aren't)
Don't tell them they'll be okay in a few days.
Don't tell them they just need time out.
Don't tell them it's a sign of our busy lives.
Don't tell them they need more faith (ugh my least favourite comment, even if it may be true)
Don't tell them you know how they feel (even if you've been diagnosed depressed, we're all different)


Do listen to them.  I know, some people go on and on. They need to see someone professionally.. You need to help them see that. (Tough gig)
Do be honest without being hurtful. ('Yep, you could have handled that differently, but you didn't. So let's not overanalyse it, let's move forward. What do you wish you'd done that you can do next time?')
Do encourage them.
Do - just be there. At their low, they won't want to talk. As someone commented yesterday 'talking, that's when I hurt people the most'. So just be there.
Do learn their nonverbal language. People I know well ask me if I'm in my 'cave'. Recognising it without being patronising is great.
Do understand it isn't them against you. The sadness, anxiety or fear... It's against and about them.

While on one hand I would say 'allowing them to find their way out' is respectful, on the other hand, if you even remotely think the person isn't coping, seems sadder than usual or isn't responding as usual, get them extra help.
I have never been suicidal, so I can't speak from experience, but sometimes it's only hindsight that shows where the signals were missed. Just be aware.

If you're the praying sort, can I just encourage you to give them to God in your prayers. They don't need to know, just quietly place their name at the cross. Whenever they are on your mind, lift them to Him.

Depression is a major bummer. You aren't alone, and you can get help. Find your coping mechanism, it may be physical exercise, it may be gardening, it may be talking to a friend. Photography, writing, running, reading, art, craft... Whatever is your (healthy) release, push yourself to do it. On the days you have zero motivation, try that bit harder to push yourself. On your lowest day, following through may not make you feel better but at least your body or brain has had a workout.

Learn your triggers. I read an extraordinary amount. Internet, blogs, journals, books, you name it. But I can't read too many sad books consecutively. The times I have, I've found that life's 'real' sad moments magnify themselves. Real life, with its idiosyncrasies and uncertainties, becomes unbearable and frustrating. And the real people are the ones who bear the brunt of it. (I can't yell at book characters. Well I can, but it's pointless)
I can't watch the news if I've been reading too much news or journalism, as I become too cynical.
So I have learnt to guard myself. To monitor my reading and my interactions.

You need to learn to get on with people even if they bring out your worst, or are your trigger; they aren't responsible for your mood or your reaction, you are.
They are who they are, and not everyone finds you sparkling company either, so cut them some slack. Reducing your interactions with them without appearing (or being) rude can be hard work.

Don't beat yourself up about everything. My biggest failing. A counsellor once commented something like 'aah, you're one of those people who has to be perfect all the time. Sorry about that. There was only one person I know of in history who was perfect, and nobody liked Him. In fact they killed Him. On a cross. So, you still wanna be perfect?"
Let go of perfect. It doesn't exist, except in your imagination.

Look back on every day to find a glimmer of good in it. You will (maybe grudgingly) find it. It might just be that you made a cup of coffee without spilling it. Or that you had a shower. Grab hold of it.

And move one hour or one day ahead. One foot in front of the other. Be kind to yourself.

On a clear day ....

After about a dozen years of my morning ritual, I finally decided to stop taking my antidepressant.
I decided this ten months ago and discussed it with my doctor. Yep, that long ago.

She half jokingly said 'now you aren't planning on visiting poor orphans again or something else that might upset you?"
She knows me and the nature of the black dog, and knows that an unknown could trigger a relapse of stress. 

I looked ahead to my calendar, which while I wasn't looking, added a few things to my year, and I kept delaying the cut off point.I did go back to visit orphans, also to visit my son (not an orphan) plus some other interesting things happened. I don't like to think I use ADs as a crutch, I just know that it makes sense to have a (kind of) clear head when stopping taking them, and that didn't look like happening.

Then my script ran out. As in I didn't have a repeat. So I decided to take the bull by the horns and get the script for the reduced-dose-on-the-way-to-stopping-meds filled instead.

There was a time a few years back I thought I was 'over' needing my little pill, and my goal was to come off. Then I decided that you know, maybe, some people just have a chemical something that doesn't always click in right. That I am from a long line of overthinkers and depressives, and that what was it going to hurt if I had to stay where I was for the rest of my life.
Nothing. It isn't nor wasn't going to hurt,
I am not ashamed to say I take meds, I often introduce the fact in a conversation. 
I don't see depression or anxiety (my main issue) as a weakness or a shameful secret. Shit happens, and when it does, it affects us all differently.
I don't want to deal with yours, I don't know it. And you don't know mine.

I actually just got sick of paying money every month for a packet of tablets, it's really THAT simple. 
Weird, huh?
And sick of writing them on every form I fill out.
And I really feel like I can make it without them.

So anyway, as I was saying, my script ran out so I filled the one that has been sitting idle.

And wow. Just wow.

There are books and journals and enormous forests of paper containing information about when and why to take antiD, how to change the variety, how to take them, when to etc. 

Scads of advice about not feeling like a failure, about the number of people on them, about how they help... (They do, no denying)

There is however a vast emptiness (with crickets chirping) when you look for medical information about coming off them. I don't even want to think what that means except that it doesn't help someone trying to do this. Some vague mention of 'talk to your doctor' is all. No helpful advice, no comforting words....

Instead the internet is full of anecdotal 'evidence' of the pitfalls, the downsides, the negatives... The just UGHness of stopping.
Stuff like 'migraine for a week' ... 'Previously Unknown level of nausea'... 'Panic'... 'Suicidal'... 'Stay on them'... 'Cramps'... 'Uncontrollable tears' ... 
Wow.

I found this information on day 2 post ADs. 

When I was climbing the walls in hyperactivity. When my brain was like a coiled spring and I couldn't compose a sentence. When I was hypersensitive and angry. Wild and unpredictable.

Fortunately I had told my husband what was going on. I seriously think he'd have gone out for a week long walk otherwise.

So I thought I'd compose a diary. For what it's worth.

Day one: nothing to note. I've forgotten a tablet a day here and there before, so it's no biggie. I'm doing this on a half strength so it's actually better than having forgotten one.
Insomnia, increased appetite.. Otherwise... Nothing.

Day two. AM. Feels like electrical impulses zapping in my brain (this often happens when I miss a day so isn't new) a slight detachment.
Early PM erratic and slightly lightheaded. 
Later PM insane. As above paragraph. 
Much later PM (wondering if having friends for tea was really a good idea) on edge, flighty but under control, mostly.
Insane level of insomnia

Day three. Tell my boss so she understands if I have to go home. Explain the not nice day.
Surprise myself with my calmness and okay ness,
No jarring behaviour, no hyper anything...
Insomnia

And so here I am, wondering what's ahead. Knowing that day three isn't day thirty. That in one month I have to come off this half strength dose and withdraw totally.

Wondering. 
If the week before Christmas really was a good time to do this thing.

If it's going to be worth it.

If I'll even go back to taking them.
There's my fear.
But...

I'm not who I was 12 years ago, I'm not who I was 1 year ago.
I struggle with who I am and why I am that way, but so do we all.
I have a stronger faith than I did.
I fall just as badly and I fail just as badly but I get up stronger than I used to. 
I'm learning to lean one hand on the cross when I get back up. 
I'm learning to seek it more.
It helps me stand stronger and straighter.
I'm not worthy of the price that was paid there, but it was paid for me because God says I'm worth it.

Christians struggle with depression. Belief doesn't give you immunity.
Believing in yourself only lets you down, because you're not perfect and you can't (no matter what self help or prosperity preaching tells you) carry yourself. Your body gives up. Your mind strength resolve or purpose shifts.
You cannot save you.

So here I am again turning a blog post into a ministry.
Wait til my mind's free of the AD stuff.
I can't wait to see where my brain goes then!