love finds a way

Back in the days before the world got "cool", i.e. before my kids were born; in fact before the world even got remotely interesting, apparently; ie back when I was at school, there was a girl in my class whose parents had divorced. She was, I think, the only kid in my year level if not my school who came from a "broken family". By the end of high school there were a few more separated families, but not many, and they were still spoken of in hushed tones. And my mother warned me countless times that asking them about it wasn't a nice thing to do.

Fast forward past all the boring parts of world history until the days when my kids ARE alive and they are at school, and they are amongst the few families where all the kids in one house share the same parents and those parents still live together married.

The hubster and I cracked 30 years together this year. Its something I guess we should be more proud of, but it's been such a hard slog sometimes it seems like a small exhausting miracle.

We celebrated 25 years with a fake Vegas wedding with 2 fake Elvis's. It was a fun day, we had friends and family with us, we ate cake, and they drank wine, and I said it then and I'll say it again. "It is hard work every single day"

Even the days it doesn't feel like hard work, it's hard work. I don't remotely regret marrying my Mr. and I don't regret anything we've been through and he's still the one I'd choose, but life gets hard and things get in the way, and if you want it to work, it takes a heck of a lot of of compromise and tears. And yelling, and chocolate, and tantrums, and humility and ...the list is endless.

I have a lot of friends and family whose marriages have separated; this is in no way a judgement of their choices, their spouse's choices or their way of life. I don't know your story, I don't know your life, I can only speak from my own experience and story. And none of us is perfect, so I'm not coming from that perspective either. 

And our married life has had huge bumps, cracks and seemingly insurmountable fragmenting. We are both broken people, and that's more than normal. Its only fitting therefore that two broken people can kind of fit together but there's not going to be the perfect match to completely join with all your chips and weakened spots to make a perfect new vessel...

The true picture of marriage as I see it, i.e. my own (Christian) perspective, is that of a covenant. (A solemn agreement) The Bible says husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. (Ephesians 5:25)

What does that mean? It means He would die for her, He would sacrifice all He is and has for her to be better. 

Christians believe Christ died for their sins.

One one side: Christ, who knew no sin, who lived a blameless life, therefore deserved no punishment.
Other side: Us, who by nature are sinful - we may not be murderers or child abusers, but we may be selfish or gossipers, or miserly, or spiteful. Who deserve some form of punishment.

Christ goes to the cross and takes on those sins he didn't commit, ie ours -  the rage of God against those sins, and He dies the death only ever given to vile sinners. And is alive again afterwards, all so we could, through belief, repentance and acceptance, appear blameless, as if we have no sin or blemish.

Makes no sense?

Our human nature can't grasp it, it's too alien to what we know. That's where faith comes in. I don't understand it, I don't get it, but I believe it.

And this is the goal. That the husband loves his wife this much, and the wife, knowing so, is - not because she is weaker or a lesser person, nor that she is of less value, but because her HUSBAND sees her as being of incredible and inestimable value and treats her accordingly, and she, responding to his attitude, becomes the loving wife he dreams of. 

And we fail at this every single day, many times a day. Some days its so bad we might as well give up on even thinking about it - but because we have this deep covenant to each other, a promise we made before God that we WOULD (try and try and try again to) make each other the focus of our lives - THAT is why we get back up and start again.

He is much better at this than me, I'm too stubborn proud and selfish, but I know more than anything that this is God's plan - to have two broken sinners to combine together. Imperfect, but through focus on Him, becoming perfect. There are two sides to every story, but when we realise both the sides belong to sinners, we realise God is the one in control. And I learn over and over that my pride and stubbornness have no role here, and I have to become less so he (both he and He) can become more.

And using the picture of Christ loving the church - He is never adulterous, never unfaithful, and never asks for a divorce (David Platt - Divorce and discipleship podcast) we are set a high goal. One in which we need His hand to help us reach.


I will be here
And you can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you
And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here
I will be true to the promise I have made
To you and to the One who gave you to me 

(I will be here - Steven Curtis Chapman)

stronger

Let no one caught in sin remain
Inside the lie of inward shame
We fix our eyes upon the cross
And run to him who showed great love
And bled for us

Oh death! Where is your sting?
Oh hell! Where is your victory?
Oh Church! Come stand in the light!
Our God is not dead, he's alive! he's alive!

                                                              Matt Maher "Christ is risen'
  

The difference of a couple of hours.

I sent an SOS via twitter to some people I affectionately call my "twitterchurch" that I was in need of some prayer. They responded and I knew it.

It was -

Ugly ugly ugly.

Depression has flirted around my perimeter for quite a while, and I have been working my way away from it in every way I know.

I try valiantly to fight it, get okay, then fall again.

I listen in to the voice telling me I'm useless, hopeless and basically unworthy of my family my friends and the life I live. Every single flaw from my entire life is magnified and brought before me to show me my failings. 

To the inexperienced eye, I appear fine. 

Arrogant, 'standoffish' but otherwise okay. 

Don't believe appearances. I'm not okay. I'm internally processing your (perceived, imagined, not real) judgement, your questioning, your assessment. 

I weigh myself and am found wanting.

My defense is to shut down.

It's not good, it's not healthy, it's not right.

And (SHOCK) it happens to Christians.

While listening to my music and crying to myself in my stupid solitary misery and trying to work out what the heck is wrong with me

a song came on with the words above.

And I realised I'm living in the lie of my inward shame.  Im listening to the wrong voices. Truth exaggerated to the point it becomes a lie. And its not about me.

I took this to the only one who knows me better than I do - to God.

And I felt lifted. I know it was prayers - theirs and mine. 

I had told them I needed some help accepting grace. 

I do. 

I'm so proud and stubborn, I do.

Its so hard to just take something undeserved.

But that's the whole story of the cross and what Jesus did there. 

We, so undeserving of freedom, He so undeserving of punishment... 

By taking on the cruel punishment we deserve, the innocent man on the cross gave us the life HE deserved. 

And believing that, and, as in the above lyrics, fixing my eyes on the cross, I see love that is beyond comprehension.

And again I feel undeserving and unworthy and not good enough, but He carries me over, because I KNOW God is there. and I need His strength. Fortunately His judgement is done through His eyes, not mine.

I'm a long long way from well. This ridiculous black dog is persistent. 

But my God is stronger.

the deep

What is it about depression that people don’t get? Every. Thing.

Just… 

Every. 

Thing.

When I am caught up in the grasp of the lying hound that is depression I am unreachable.

Your words, your thoughts, your messages all get misrouted and miscommunicated and my mind warps twists and mangles my thoughts my ideas and my own words.

It‘s just easier to sit alone away from the whole world.Stop inflicting more hurt.

You can’t understand unless you’ve been there. You can’t begin to understand the depth the breadth and the enormity of… just the aloneness. The absolute empty shell where everything is echoing and bouncing and making no sense.

I have a fulfilling job.

I have all I need and more materially.

I have everything I need

except

I don’t like myself.

DON’T :

Tell me I’m a nice person.

Tell me I’ll get better.

Tell me it’s all in my head (Like DUH)

Tell me lots of people love me.

Tell me to have faith.

Tell me it’ll look better in the morning. (it didn’t this morning and it stands to reason it probably won’t tomorrow either)

Tell me I look okay.

My heart hurts my head hurts and my arrogant shit of a brain won’t allow me to try to think positively about anything. 

I see every minute error I’ve made in my entire life become larger than life and blown way out of imaginable proportion. 

How many people have I not led towards God by my behaviour? How many have I instead directed away?
Did I not even direct my own children in the right ways? 

I yelled too much, I got grumpy too much, I wasn't nice and I'm still not..

I know my failings, I know them all too well.

How can people ever like me after I have treated them the way I did or not treated them the way they deserved to be, or failed them in one of some other kazillion ways I see I did...

whatever…

Just how can they? How can I even like me?

Easy. 

They can’t. 

I don’t.

Once again every cell in my body knows there is grace beyond imagining and a father who wants to hold me close but I can’t let go.

I just can’t give it up. I know I will, because I am above all obedient.

but right now, I just … can’t.