the deep

What is it about depression that people don’t get? Every. Thing.

Just… 

Every. 

Thing.

When I am caught up in the grasp of the lying hound that is depression I am unreachable.

Your words, your thoughts, your messages all get misrouted and miscommunicated and my mind warps twists and mangles my thoughts my ideas and my own words.

It‘s just easier to sit alone away from the whole world.Stop inflicting more hurt.

You can’t understand unless you’ve been there. You can’t begin to understand the depth the breadth and the enormity of… just the aloneness. The absolute empty shell where everything is echoing and bouncing and making no sense.

I have a fulfilling job.

I have all I need and more materially.

I have everything I need

except

I don’t like myself.

DON’T :

Tell me I’m a nice person.

Tell me I’ll get better.

Tell me it’s all in my head (Like DUH)

Tell me lots of people love me.

Tell me to have faith.

Tell me it’ll look better in the morning. (it didn’t this morning and it stands to reason it probably won’t tomorrow either)

Tell me I look okay.

My heart hurts my head hurts and my arrogant shit of a brain won’t allow me to try to think positively about anything. 

I see every minute error I’ve made in my entire life become larger than life and blown way out of imaginable proportion. 

How many people have I not led towards God by my behaviour? How many have I instead directed away?
Did I not even direct my own children in the right ways? 

I yelled too much, I got grumpy too much, I wasn't nice and I'm still not..

I know my failings, I know them all too well.

How can people ever like me after I have treated them the way I did or not treated them the way they deserved to be, or failed them in one of some other kazillion ways I see I did...

whatever…

Just how can they? How can I even like me?

Easy. 

They can’t. 

I don’t.

Once again every cell in my body knows there is grace beyond imagining and a father who wants to hold me close but I can’t let go.

I just can’t give it up. I know I will, because I am above all obedient.

but right now, I just … can’t.