stronger

Let no one caught in sin remain
Inside the lie of inward shame
We fix our eyes upon the cross
And run to him who showed great love
And bled for us

Oh death! Where is your sting?
Oh hell! Where is your victory?
Oh Church! Come stand in the light!
Our God is not dead, he's alive! he's alive!

                                                              Matt Maher "Christ is risen'
  

The difference of a couple of hours.

I sent an SOS via twitter to some people I affectionately call my "twitterchurch" that I was in need of some prayer. They responded and I knew it.

It was -

Ugly ugly ugly.

Depression has flirted around my perimeter for quite a while, and I have been working my way away from it in every way I know.

I try valiantly to fight it, get okay, then fall again.

I listen in to the voice telling me I'm useless, hopeless and basically unworthy of my family my friends and the life I live. Every single flaw from my entire life is magnified and brought before me to show me my failings. 

To the inexperienced eye, I appear fine. 

Arrogant, 'standoffish' but otherwise okay. 

Don't believe appearances. I'm not okay. I'm internally processing your (perceived, imagined, not real) judgement, your questioning, your assessment. 

I weigh myself and am found wanting.

My defense is to shut down.

It's not good, it's not healthy, it's not right.

And (SHOCK) it happens to Christians.

While listening to my music and crying to myself in my stupid solitary misery and trying to work out what the heck is wrong with me

a song came on with the words above.

And I realised I'm living in the lie of my inward shame.  Im listening to the wrong voices. Truth exaggerated to the point it becomes a lie. And its not about me.

I took this to the only one who knows me better than I do - to God.

And I felt lifted. I know it was prayers - theirs and mine. 

I had told them I needed some help accepting grace. 

I do. 

I'm so proud and stubborn, I do.

Its so hard to just take something undeserved.

But that's the whole story of the cross and what Jesus did there. 

We, so undeserving of freedom, He so undeserving of punishment... 

By taking on the cruel punishment we deserve, the innocent man on the cross gave us the life HE deserved. 

And believing that, and, as in the above lyrics, fixing my eyes on the cross, I see love that is beyond comprehension.

And again I feel undeserving and unworthy and not good enough, but He carries me over, because I KNOW God is there. and I need His strength. Fortunately His judgement is done through His eyes, not mine.

I'm a long long way from well. This ridiculous black dog is persistent. 

But my God is stronger.