The joy of the kids.

One child in China in particular who I refer to as my child in spirit. A connection I cannot fathom... 

I knew she'd remember me but would she remember the bond we had? The connection we made?

Here's my Facebook status from that day: 

"I scanned the faces at the orphanage doorways looking for her, then as I turned to ask my husband to have his camera ready in case she WAS there... An almighty yell, and a body leapt from the group, was wrapped around mine - legs around my waist, arms around my neck and my face smothered in kisses. She remembered". 

I held back the tears of joy as I held her, amazed over again that this bundle of energy chose me. 

A child who last year spoke to a only few of us ... after the year before ignoring team because of the pain of being orphaned at an older age. Who this year chatted and joined in.

The young man whose face showed his defeat, that the system had broken him; but his shy smile when team members helped him choose his 'English' name.

The little man whose feisty spirit was matched by his temper. His distinctive face puckering up as he roared at us, his frustration at his inability to fully communicate in even his own language evident. His eagerness to run outside, then his surprising skill with a soccer ball, plus his occasional cheeky smile endeared him to many. 

The shy child who blossomed when selected to be "it" in a game.

The bossy child who had to show their craft work first.

The children..

whose tongue-out-of-mouth concentration while doing their work, 

whose attention to detail in drawing faces,

Whose catching and throwing abilities varied

Who loved the idea of parachute play

Who hated the idea of parachute play

Who knew early on which bag the treats were kept in meaning you had to be vigilant

Who manage a few English words as they shout along to your songs..

The definitive factor -- they're just kids.

They are no different to the kids at your local playgroup or kindergarten. No different to your children's friends or your friend's children.

And like every child, they want to be seen heard known and loved.

And they may only ever get two of those.

So showing them love is easy, so easy.

My china heart asploded again.

I did revisit China. You may not know that given the direction my posts have gone, but i did.

This time my husband came along as well.

That added a whole different dimension in many ways.

I could and should and will write several posts about the trip, but I'm hesitant to because it's still my 'thing'. Not that I can't or won't share it or about it, more that I am still processing, still unwrapping and exploring things that happened.

People tell me I'm different after this trip. I agree. It didn't devastate me in the way the last one did.

And people say...

'You knew what to expect'

'Youve already seen it'

'You had you husband to help'

'You didn't get the same shock as you would have the first time'

Maybe, maybe, maybe and maybe,

Or.. No no no and no.

I knew what to expect...

Sure we visited the same places and some of the children were the same.. Is that a good thing? That these babies and children haven't moved on in 12 months? Did my heart break again over them? Yes.

Did I expect to see them all again? In all honesty yes. They are generally considered the 'unadoptables' their age or disabilities making them hard to place with families.

Another orphanage with all different children but the same look in their eyes and the same need for love. And maybe I knew what to expect but my heart breaking open again was no less raw the second time.

I'd already seen it...

Seen what? The poverty, the hopelessness, yet the joy and the love. Yes I'd seen it, but I was no less immune to its bittersweet flavour. No less able to look away and no less able to pick up a snotty nosed child in their moment of need.

I'd seen it before but like with your own child who needs you today just the same as he did yesterday, it's still new and fresh and you aren't less involved or less attached.

I had my husband with me...

This was in turn easier and harder. I have been reading researching and following orphanage foster home and adoption blogs and books for a few years. I have read about what the country is like, its background and its politics. 

He hasn't. 

He saw my photos of kids laughing and heard my stories of kids singing and giggling.

So he didn't see the hidden back stories that burn in me nor question the 'reasonings' that don't always make sense, and I got impatient that he didn't. Had he not been my husband I wouldn't have even explained the gaps in his knowledge, so that was unfair. I stopped doing that because not everyone's heart needs to be annihilated, not everyone needs to know the inner workings. Most people just need to show love to these kids and he did. In spades.

And he seemed determined to be strong for me in case I was weak. Which in a strange way made me want to protect him more.

I didn't get the same shock...

Oh I did. Trust me I did. 

I saw different things amidst different layers of things.

But I still saw things that broke me, heard things that stunned me and changed me again and anew.

And trying to say 'no that's not how I feel' or 'that's not why I feel that way' or anything in response to people's comments is wrong. It either sounds arrogant or wimpy, depending on the situation.

I just smile and say "maybe".

Because it's too big a story and people don't always understand the God connection in it. That He is the reason for it all.

God is still good. He is still in control. I didn't get totally wrecked this time because He didn't need to totally wreck me. This time, He just needed to show me different things, open and soften me in different ways. He has sustained me and will continue to do so. I still wonder what is in store, where all this is headed, but He knows, and He works all these things together for good.

'No normal' is the new black.

Today was a better day.

Less brain drain, less adrenalin overload, less stuttering. 

But i went to the doctor anyway. I made an appointment with him yesterday when I was kind of beside myself. My doc is away but this guy I've not seen before was good.

He assured me I was 'normal' because there is no normal. No standard gauge of what normal feels like. We're all different, our responses are different, our makeup us different... That much I knew, but our body's reaction to withdrawing a medication, even a short term acting one like I'd been on varies immensely as well. From day to day and person to person. I sort of knew that too but it was nice to hear the words.

But he also asked me to describe my symptoms; I'm sure I'm not the only person he's seen who has broken free - and been happy to talk about it -from the bonds of meds. 

He was actually really interested. I mean really.

So I had kind of established he had a sense of humour; my brain mixing words up helped in that regard, and my 'hang on, maybe a better way to describe that would be..' showed he had patience. (Named noted for future doctor-type-stuff-when-my-doctor-is-away reference, of course)

He was looking up the expected symptoms of withdrawal and mentioning them to me, some I had experienced, most not. Some of the symptoms of going onTO the meds were similar to what I was experiencing as well. There is no normal.

I told him the worst symptom by far was brain zaps. That while I wasn't and never have been suicidal, I could more than understand that brain zaps could drive someone over the edge.
That brain zaps had conspired to destroy my confidence my concentration and my sanity.

He looked at me and said 'hang on, what are you talking about? What are brain zaps?'

I feigned shock and said 'brain zaps are a thing you know. A THING. I asked dr google what was wrong with me, and I found brain zaps. So I know they're a thing. Like, everyone mentions them in blogs and boards and stuff.'

He kind of sneakily smiled but I went on.

'Brain zaps are like an electric shock, or a jolt. Like a zap. And they just zap across your brain sometimes five, sometimes ten seconds apart. One time I reckon it was thirty seconds and I hadn't felt one, but then it came back. It can even be a couple minutes apart. But they're there. Taking some omega 3 helps.'

He asked where in the brain, which part is most affected. For me, the zaps come from the sides, either side; no favourites. My brain just kind of un clicks for a macro second as I feel what I can only describe as like a mild electric noise.

I told him that Monday was bad, really really bad. He asked if I was sad, depressed or overwhelmed. I said the only word I could think of to describe it was 'wretched'. Totally wretched. I had had a bit of a cry and a bit of a dummy spit and a lot of angst.
Every day had been a fraction better than the one before. And here 6 days totally drug free I wasn't right but I was better. Better than yesterday which was better than the day before which was better...

Oh and Tuesday wasn't very cool either. A few frustrations wore me down and I wasn't pleasant company for a short while but by Wednesday I could see the funny side of it and today I can see beyond it.
Oh yeah, and the (what feels like) adrenaline surges are hard to take too. Heart racing, words jumbled and stuttered. 

Hmm this wasn't on his list of symptoms.
But he didn't dismiss me as one who has a symptom not fitting into his list, he listened.
And explained the mechanics of the meds I'd been on and how they affected neuro transmitters and why what I was experiencing didn't match what he was reading on the screen but that was okay, also how interesting it was.

Oh that's right, insomnia is a total drag. So not cool. Sleeplessness can be a bummer.

I've apologised a lot lately for snarkiness and absent mindedness. I thought I could just quietly and privately do this coming off prescription meds thing, but noo... People see me react differently and know something's wrong, and I'm too honest. 

And some people are shocked to hear I've been on meds. 

And for how long. 

And some people nod knowingly, telling me that see, I just had to think positively.

He says sometimes people experience symptoms for a few weeks. I told him I'd read experiences of a few months and a few days. There is no normal.

And he said some people's makeup means they just need to be on a low dose of stuff forever. That's something I dealt with a few years back when I made a conscious choice to stay on meds. Before my decision a few months ago to come off them. And I'm okay with that potential outcome.
There is no normal.

And he said sometimes 'giving it a go' coming off meds to see if you're okay and don't need their  support for life is a good plan. And that chances are that if you're positive it's the right move, that maybe it's the right move. 

But that it's equally okay to need to go back.

And that really he had no answers but possibilities and avenues of answers.
And I smiled and thanked him.
Because it's what I expected to hear, and because he was honest.
He didn't sugar coat anything or insist I take any path.
He didn't assure me of any outcomes but welcomed me back next time.

There is no normal.

Medication schmedication.

Here I am in month two of withdrawal.
I took my last half strength dose 48 hours ago. So I'm totally tablet free.
The last 24 hours haven't been pleasant.

Just so you know, this isn't a pity party, nor is it seeking anything for me. I'm documenting for myself and for others who may choose the path of 'no more chemicals in me' as I have.
Know it may not be smooth but it may not be crazy either. Every one is different.

I've had brain zaps (which are just like they sound; like an electric shock into my brain) regularly -
I've had a hyper motivated brain which is even more tightly strung than normal.
I've had leg tingles, where it feels like something is under the skin or something sitting on my muscles.
I've had insomnia.
Like right now, 2am,  when I should be sleeping but can't.
I've had hyper, where I can't talk fast enough or loud enough nor critically enough.
I've had lethargic where I can't be bothered moving.

And that's just 48 hours!

So I did what any preoccupied insomniac does, I used Dr Google to see if I could find a remedy.
Because I'm, like, a busy person and have a full time job and I need to feel well -- who am I kidding, I just want my legs to stop tickling.

And I found horror again.
More people devastated at the lack of withdrawal information or support from doctors, pharmaceutical companies or... Anywhere.
More people even more depressed because they cant see the end of the withdrawal tunnel.
More people with 6+ months of withdrawal symptoms.

What the heck am I doing? Maybe I should just go back and recommit to them for life.

I found one thread in a conversation where someone suggested what I had sitting waiting to use but didn't think worth taking yet... vitamins. This guy swears by omega 3, mega B ... Ooh I have those, so I downed a handful.
--
And now another 12 hours post writing that because I couldn't bear the brain zaps, i am ready to go back on full strength full time, seriously.

I am stuttering because my words aren't coming out as fast as my brain wants them to, I'm constantly zoning in and out because my brain is zapping... And noisy... It's like sand bags that keep shifting noisily in my head and it affects my hearing my concentration and my sanity.

People who I work with who know I'm coming off smile and say "you'll be fine, think positively" how little they know.
I am thinking positively. I'm positive this is the most insane decision I've made in a long long time.
Yes I came in to work, I couldn't have borne staying at home with this.. This zapping and shifting inside my head. 
And it's not every couple of minutes, it's a couple of times a minute but random. 
Gah.