My china heart asploded again.

I did revisit China. You may not know that given the direction my posts have gone, but i did.

This time my husband came along as well.

That added a whole different dimension in many ways.

I could and should and will write several posts about the trip, but I'm hesitant to because it's still my 'thing'. Not that I can't or won't share it or about it, more that I am still processing, still unwrapping and exploring things that happened.

People tell me I'm different after this trip. I agree. It didn't devastate me in the way the last one did.

And people say...

'You knew what to expect'

'Youve already seen it'

'You had you husband to help'

'You didn't get the same shock as you would have the first time'

Maybe, maybe, maybe and maybe,

Or.. No no no and no.

I knew what to expect...

Sure we visited the same places and some of the children were the same.. Is that a good thing? That these babies and children haven't moved on in 12 months? Did my heart break again over them? Yes.

Did I expect to see them all again? In all honesty yes. They are generally considered the 'unadoptables' their age or disabilities making them hard to place with families.

Another orphanage with all different children but the same look in their eyes and the same need for love. And maybe I knew what to expect but my heart breaking open again was no less raw the second time.

I'd already seen it...

Seen what? The poverty, the hopelessness, yet the joy and the love. Yes I'd seen it, but I was no less immune to its bittersweet flavour. No less able to look away and no less able to pick up a snotty nosed child in their moment of need.

I'd seen it before but like with your own child who needs you today just the same as he did yesterday, it's still new and fresh and you aren't less involved or less attached.

I had my husband with me...

This was in turn easier and harder. I have been reading researching and following orphanage foster home and adoption blogs and books for a few years. I have read about what the country is like, its background and its politics. 

He hasn't. 

He saw my photos of kids laughing and heard my stories of kids singing and giggling.

So he didn't see the hidden back stories that burn in me nor question the 'reasonings' that don't always make sense, and I got impatient that he didn't. Had he not been my husband I wouldn't have even explained the gaps in his knowledge, so that was unfair. I stopped doing that because not everyone's heart needs to be annihilated, not everyone needs to know the inner workings. Most people just need to show love to these kids and he did. In spades.

And he seemed determined to be strong for me in case I was weak. Which in a strange way made me want to protect him more.

I didn't get the same shock...

Oh I did. Trust me I did. 

I saw different things amidst different layers of things.

But I still saw things that broke me, heard things that stunned me and changed me again and anew.

And trying to say 'no that's not how I feel' or 'that's not why I feel that way' or anything in response to people's comments is wrong. It either sounds arrogant or wimpy, depending on the situation.

I just smile and say "maybe".

Because it's too big a story and people don't always understand the God connection in it. That He is the reason for it all.

God is still good. He is still in control. I didn't get totally wrecked this time because He didn't need to totally wreck me. This time, He just needed to show me different things, open and soften me in different ways. He has sustained me and will continue to do so. I still wonder what is in store, where all this is headed, but He knows, and He works all these things together for good.