'No normal' is the new black.

Today was a better day.

Less brain drain, less adrenalin overload, less stuttering. 

But i went to the doctor anyway. I made an appointment with him yesterday when I was kind of beside myself. My doc is away but this guy I've not seen before was good.

He assured me I was 'normal' because there is no normal. No standard gauge of what normal feels like. We're all different, our responses are different, our makeup us different... That much I knew, but our body's reaction to withdrawing a medication, even a short term acting one like I'd been on varies immensely as well. From day to day and person to person. I sort of knew that too but it was nice to hear the words.

But he also asked me to describe my symptoms; I'm sure I'm not the only person he's seen who has broken free - and been happy to talk about it -from the bonds of meds. 

He was actually really interested. I mean really.

So I had kind of established he had a sense of humour; my brain mixing words up helped in that regard, and my 'hang on, maybe a better way to describe that would be..' showed he had patience. (Named noted for future doctor-type-stuff-when-my-doctor-is-away reference, of course)

He was looking up the expected symptoms of withdrawal and mentioning them to me, some I had experienced, most not. Some of the symptoms of going onTO the meds were similar to what I was experiencing as well. There is no normal.

I told him the worst symptom by far was brain zaps. That while I wasn't and never have been suicidal, I could more than understand that brain zaps could drive someone over the edge.
That brain zaps had conspired to destroy my confidence my concentration and my sanity.

He looked at me and said 'hang on, what are you talking about? What are brain zaps?'

I feigned shock and said 'brain zaps are a thing you know. A THING. I asked dr google what was wrong with me, and I found brain zaps. So I know they're a thing. Like, everyone mentions them in blogs and boards and stuff.'

He kind of sneakily smiled but I went on.

'Brain zaps are like an electric shock, or a jolt. Like a zap. And they just zap across your brain sometimes five, sometimes ten seconds apart. One time I reckon it was thirty seconds and I hadn't felt one, but then it came back. It can even be a couple minutes apart. But they're there. Taking some omega 3 helps.'

He asked where in the brain, which part is most affected. For me, the zaps come from the sides, either side; no favourites. My brain just kind of un clicks for a macro second as I feel what I can only describe as like a mild electric noise.

I told him that Monday was bad, really really bad. He asked if I was sad, depressed or overwhelmed. I said the only word I could think of to describe it was 'wretched'. Totally wretched. I had had a bit of a cry and a bit of a dummy spit and a lot of angst.
Every day had been a fraction better than the one before. And here 6 days totally drug free I wasn't right but I was better. Better than yesterday which was better than the day before which was better...

Oh and Tuesday wasn't very cool either. A few frustrations wore me down and I wasn't pleasant company for a short while but by Wednesday I could see the funny side of it and today I can see beyond it.
Oh yeah, and the (what feels like) adrenaline surges are hard to take too. Heart racing, words jumbled and stuttered. 

Hmm this wasn't on his list of symptoms.
But he didn't dismiss me as one who has a symptom not fitting into his list, he listened.
And explained the mechanics of the meds I'd been on and how they affected neuro transmitters and why what I was experiencing didn't match what he was reading on the screen but that was okay, also how interesting it was.

Oh that's right, insomnia is a total drag. So not cool. Sleeplessness can be a bummer.

I've apologised a lot lately for snarkiness and absent mindedness. I thought I could just quietly and privately do this coming off prescription meds thing, but noo... People see me react differently and know something's wrong, and I'm too honest. 

And some people are shocked to hear I've been on meds. 

And for how long. 

And some people nod knowingly, telling me that see, I just had to think positively.

He says sometimes people experience symptoms for a few weeks. I told him I'd read experiences of a few months and a few days. There is no normal.

And he said some people's makeup means they just need to be on a low dose of stuff forever. That's something I dealt with a few years back when I made a conscious choice to stay on meds. Before my decision a few months ago to come off them. And I'm okay with that potential outcome.
There is no normal.

And he said sometimes 'giving it a go' coming off meds to see if you're okay and don't need their  support for life is a good plan. And that chances are that if you're positive it's the right move, that maybe it's the right move. 

But that it's equally okay to need to go back.

And that really he had no answers but possibilities and avenues of answers.
And I smiled and thanked him.
Because it's what I expected to hear, and because he was honest.
He didn't sugar coat anything or insist I take any path.
He didn't assure me of any outcomes but welcomed me back next time.

There is no normal.