And that's what happened here. A casual conversation about adolescent boys viewing internet porn led to me reading about marriages breaking up over erectile dysfunction due to pornography. About young women requesting labial surgery to match the women in porn and erotica photos.
Not so funny stuff.
I do hope though that I can get to light stuff as well. Work brain work. Once I have committed this piece to cyberspace it will clear my brain of a wee bit of the serious.
68 million every day.
That's how many requests go through a search engine every day for a pornography related search term.
68 million.
Every day.
People say it's harmless and in fact normal, especially for teenaged boys... young males. That it's part of growing up and curiosity.
So let me tell you about 'curiosity' turning into a 68 million searches every day multi billion dollar industry.
About a marriage killer so insidious that people don't talk about it.
About how this curiosity is damaging our young men and women and their relationships and potential relationships.
About how nobody is immune.
About 68 million Internet searches - around 1 in every 8 - being for pornographic material.
The average age a male today is exposed to pornography is eleven. That's the average, so there are younger children involved.
I'm just humming some elevator Muzak while you let that age sink in for a minute.
Eleven.
The age when football, cricket, building your own billy cart, sliding down a grassy hill on a cardboard box, and still playing rough with the family dog are important.
Eleven.
That means eight year olds, fourteen year olds, and eleven year olds.
Some basic layman termed biological stuff:
when we are learning something new, our brain responds by neurons connecting via sparking synapses.. which grow and spark again, forming pathways. Kind of like a tree branching out and growing outward, ever outward.
It's essential with babies, their little brains are on overdrive learning and processing.
The brain never stops, so continuing new synapse expansion is important. The more we repeat a task, like learning to read, the stronger the pathway grows and sparks off new growth. The more we use the pathway, the stronger the pathway gets.
Think about initiating and committing to a lifestyle change. Maybe you start exercising or dieting. Over time it's easier and just becomes the norm. That's the brain repeating and reestablishing, and forming a habit. After a while you don't even think about it.....
This wonderful energy isn't always a good thing, though. Viewing pornography is no different. The more it's done, the stronger the pathway grows; the synapses respond automatically to the last point of memory. And there is pleasure attached.
Even more though, the neural pathways of the brain are actually altered. The brain learns to respond to this stimulation and alters the way it views "normal". This affects the view on self, partners, relationships and sex.
And the brain seeks more and more to grow those pathways. The viewing needs to be more, more often and just... More extreme.
And what is the brain learning?
That a woman's body looks a certain way.
You can scoff and say it doesn't matter, men and boys know the difference between air brushed, silicone female bodies and the real thing. Really? An eleven year old boy who sees only these fake women knows this? A thirteen year old girl already struggling with body image knows this?
Reality: imagining the young eleven year old gets his first experience with a real life naked girl at sixteen. He has had five years of seeing fake tanned, augmented, airbrushed and sculpted bodies in print or film. If it's later for him, he's had more years of looking at fake bodies. What comparison does he make on her real, and probably still developing body? Or does he thankfully (for him) just see it as a female body devoid of the person attached to it?
If this continues after he's married, his wife's body post baby, pre and post menopause isn't what he sees on his screen. Wrinkles, rolls of fat, losing its elasticity....
Yes they know the difference. They aren't stupid. And yes a warm flesh and blood woman should mean more.
As mentioned earlier, the brain is actually altered by viewing pornography. The women on the screen, in the magazine - they become real. They don't judge, they don't make him feel unwanted or ignored like his wife might.
But which in his head? A couple of hours later, which is in his head? As he turns back to his computer or screen, which is on his mind? The faceless nameless body that he knows will respond on cue with no commitment... Or his wife?
That a woman's body responds in a certain way.
Again, you may say they know they know the difference. Young men (and older men) have their view of what's considered 'common' skewed. What they see, they believe.
Reality: porn women are paid to make noises, gyrate and contort into seemingly impossible positions. They are paid to perform a certain act a certain way.
Real women respond differently. This doesn't make them a lesser woman, it makes them real, not an actor. If the women he watches can do it so can his partner or wife. And if she can't or won't; why not? She must be frigid or just not interested in making him feel like a man. He knows how to feel like a man, he does when he views pornography.
That a woman is always willing to say yes.
Reality: porn women are always 'on'. They never have to cook tea, put the kids to bed or study one more chapter. They've never had a bad day at work, had a fight with their mum or been bitched about by their 'friends'. They've never been up for 48 hours straight with a crying baby. They are always ready to drop their clothes and perform. They never say no to certain acts, in fact sex isn't considered sex without those acts. So when his wife hesitates.......
Real women have headaches, periods, emotions. They have... Wait for it... Reality to contend with.
Try putting that into the script of a porn movie. Seriously, see if it works. Have the dashing man talk to the woman about politics, the kids, the price of rice.... Engage her brain before you unzip your pants. Boring movie? Sorry... that's real life.
Our young women so desperate for love, are often faced with their first sexual experience with a young man who has viewed pornography and also expects her to be prepared to act and perform. So many young women are too inexperienced to know this isn't the "norm"; too lacking in confidence to question, and too embarrassed to ask or say no. Their dignity and self respect is being tortured by young men who honestly know no better.
There is no romancing, courtship or "self" involved in pornography; in that there is no exploration of who they are, what they are interested in and are they compatible. And their meeting generally ends up with sex.
These young men don't discuss these things - unless it's with their equally inexperienced friends - so don't know what is and isn't 'normal'.
And that's the issue with pornography. It's not real life. It's not remotely real. Your brain knows that, but in its insane need to be filled (addiction) it forgets. And the subconscious is building up these false images and false hopes, and your tired wife turns her back on you in bed... Again.
Don't for a minute think I believe it's only men affected. Its women as well, and they also build up false images of men. From the Disney-style handsome prince who has no brain and yet wins the girl to the inane posturing well built man in porn; some women long for this life. A life free of the daily drudgery, honesty, awkwardness and emotions the reality brings.
And another side of this is the young women viewing these images, comparing their bodies, comparing their performance... Young women seeking breast augmentation, labial surgery and meaningless relationships... Connections maybe?
But it is known that men's brains work differently, that visual means more to them and affects their brains in a different way, and men who are more susceptible to continuing their addiction long past marriage or commitment to a relationship.
Does viewing pornography matter?
Yes.
Yes yes yes.
It matters.
There are countless women who 'know' their husbands or partners don't indulge in porn.
Parents who swear their pre-teens and teens don't know about porn, despite their having a TV and their computer, iPhone etc in their bedroom behind closed doors with 24/7 Internet and photo access.
With 68 million searches a day, chances are one could be from your town ... your street... Your house.
There are also countless women with broken hearts who discover their partner or husband is addicted to pornography. Their child or teen is. They are.
So what? Whats wrong with it? Why is it seen as the 'virtual affair'? Why could it devastate a marriage? Why do some marriages never recover?
I can take the Christian view and say its wrong because the Bible says "if a man looks at a woman with lust in his eye he has effectively committed adultery with her", or that marriage is a sacred bond between two people in the presence of God. The two shall become one, in sickness and health, better or worse....
I could take a secular view and say it's wrong because it's disrespectful to a partner. It's just plain dumb, and it's addictive. It IS harming you and your relationship. Maybe not today, maybe not yesterday... But it is. Even shared viewing of pornography affects your thought processes.
And I can take the mercenary view and ask why anyone would want to support this multi billion dollar industry that has one purpose in mind? More money, in order to make more money. Women are forced into the sex industry and pornography, young women are tricked into it, women and children are abducted, sold as sex slaves... And it all ties into the porn industry.
One click on one ad pays. One attempt at a 'free' site for xxx content pays. You are, inadvertently or deliberately supporting the sex trade.
Regardless of whether it's paid for financially for or not, it's paid for. Emotionally, spiritually, physically... Porn addiction has been equated with heroin addiction for its impact and devastation. The changes in the brain in response to viewing pornography are the same.
In the same way as addicts plan around getting a hit, a drink, a bet without being seen,
a quick 'fix' while they're alone,
plan around work and other commitments,
people start to plan their days around their viewing, their weekends around their viewing - it becomes their most important time, even to the detriment of friends family and ... Wives or husbands.
"The internet is a perfect drug delivery system because you are anonymous, aroused and have role models for these behaviors....To have drug pumped into your house 24/7, free, and children know how to use it better than grown-ups know how to use it -- it's a perfect delivery system if we want to have a whole generation of young addicts who will never have the drug out of their mind.
Pornography addicts have a more difficult time recovering from their addiction than cocaine addicts, since coke users can get the drug out of their system, but pornographic images stay in the brain forever" (1)
Hide computer's cookies all you like; hide viewing history all you like. Play stealth games and congratulate yourself.... You can't hide what's in your heart and your brain. And you can't hide it forever.
According to the Journal of Adolescent Health, prolonged exposure to pornography leads to:
• An exaggerated perception of sexual activity in society
• Diminished trust between intimate couples
• The abandonment of the hope of sexual monogamy
• Belief that promiscuity is the natural state
• Belief that abstinence and sexual inactivity are unhealthy
• Cynicism about love or the need for affection between sexual partners
• Belief that marriage is sexually confining
Lack of attraction to family and child-raising
According to sociologist Jill Manning, the research indicates pornography consumption is associated with the following six trends, among others:
1. Increased marital distress, and risk of separation and divorce
2. Decreased marital intimacy and sexual satisfaction
3. Infidelity
4. Increased appetite for more graphic types of pornography and sexual activity associated with abusive,illegal or unsafe practices
5. Devaluation of monogamy, marriage and child rearing
6. An increasing number of people struggling with compulsive and addictive sexual behavior.
In a press release from the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (divorce lawyers) reported that the most salient factors present in divorce cases are as follows:
• 68% of the divorces involved one party meeting a new lover over the Internet.
• 56% involved one party having “an obsessive interest in pornographic websites.”
47% involved spending excessive time on the computer. (2)
Read those first eight points again, and put it in the context of your husband, your child your nephew, your uncle. Think ahead to how those views might alter family and relationships in the next generations. It does affect the perception of "normal".
It is filling a viewer's head with wanting more, and, in the manner of addiction, the need to fill and keep filling with more shock and more graphic viewing as time goes on.
From viewing the lingerie catalogue to viewing hard core XXX movies, the jump isn't that steep, particularly with the prevalence of "adult" sites on the Internet and the availability of one click pleasure. From viewing bikini clad models to dating sites to chat rooms...
There is evidence of young men being diagnosed with erectile dysfunction. Our young men heading into relationships for life, with the woman of their dreams, unable to have a meaningful relationship with her due to ED. The before now diagnosis for elderly men. All due to the way the brain is rewired and tuned through viewing porn.
Viewing pornography is seen as a virtual affair because it is.
It's time, thought and emotion given to another person who isn't the wife or partner.
It's wanting to be with that person, even if they are only on a screen or paper, rather than being with your partner.
It's finding emotional or physical fulfillment with someone other than your partner.
The woman / women on the screen always understand and make you feel better. Even though they can't speak or respond, your brain convinces you that they know you.
Some relationships and marriages do crumble irretrievably after pornography sneaks in. A woman's (or man's) self image can only take so many knock backs in favour of celluloid.
Once there is knowledge of porn, the hurt partner is always wondering if their other has just been viewing, is comparing, is wondering, is unsatisfied....
They will be looking for signs of suspicious behaviour, becoming hyper vigilant and jumpy.
And it's that broken trust that can be impossible to repair.
Some marriages survive. Sometimes it's because the 'hurt' partner isn't hurt.
Sometimes it's because the trust is rebuilt and recommitted and reworked.
And that takes hard work, dedication and accountability.
For a long time.
And that's real life and real work.
Quoted:
(1) http://www.wired.com/science/discoveries/news/2004/11/65772q
(2)
http://www.covenanteyes.com/lemonade/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/Covenant-Eyes-Pornography-Statistics.pdf
Sources:
http://www.familysafemedia.com/pornography_statistics.html
Accessed August 2012
http://internet-filter-review.toptenreviews.com/internet-pornography-statistics.html
Accessed August 2012
http://internet-filter-review.toptenreviews.com/internet-pornography-statistics-pg4.html
Accessed August 2012
http://internetlaw.uslegal.com/pornography/
Accessed August 2012
http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/Science/Articles/COMPARING-PORNOGRAPHY-TO-A-DRUG/
Accessed August 2012
http://www.thetawellnesscenter.com/advantage/treating_pornography_addiction.html
Accessed August 2012
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/
Accessed September 2012
