On a clear day ....

After about a dozen years of my morning ritual, I finally decided to stop taking my antidepressant.
I decided this ten months ago and discussed it with my doctor. Yep, that long ago.

She half jokingly said 'now you aren't planning on visiting poor orphans again or something else that might upset you?"
She knows me and the nature of the black dog, and knows that an unknown could trigger a relapse of stress. 

I looked ahead to my calendar, which while I wasn't looking, added a few things to my year, and I kept delaying the cut off point.I did go back to visit orphans, also to visit my son (not an orphan) plus some other interesting things happened. I don't like to think I use ADs as a crutch, I just know that it makes sense to have a (kind of) clear head when stopping taking them, and that didn't look like happening.

Then my script ran out. As in I didn't have a repeat. So I decided to take the bull by the horns and get the script for the reduced-dose-on-the-way-to-stopping-meds filled instead.

There was a time a few years back I thought I was 'over' needing my little pill, and my goal was to come off. Then I decided that you know, maybe, some people just have a chemical something that doesn't always click in right. That I am from a long line of overthinkers and depressives, and that what was it going to hurt if I had to stay where I was for the rest of my life.
Nothing. It isn't nor wasn't going to hurt,
I am not ashamed to say I take meds, I often introduce the fact in a conversation. 
I don't see depression or anxiety (my main issue) as a weakness or a shameful secret. Shit happens, and when it does, it affects us all differently.
I don't want to deal with yours, I don't know it. And you don't know mine.

I actually just got sick of paying money every month for a packet of tablets, it's really THAT simple. 
Weird, huh?
And sick of writing them on every form I fill out.
And I really feel like I can make it without them.

So anyway, as I was saying, my script ran out so I filled the one that has been sitting idle.

And wow. Just wow.

There are books and journals and enormous forests of paper containing information about when and why to take antiD, how to change the variety, how to take them, when to etc. 

Scads of advice about not feeling like a failure, about the number of people on them, about how they help... (They do, no denying)

There is however a vast emptiness (with crickets chirping) when you look for medical information about coming off them. I don't even want to think what that means except that it doesn't help someone trying to do this. Some vague mention of 'talk to your doctor' is all. No helpful advice, no comforting words....

Instead the internet is full of anecdotal 'evidence' of the pitfalls, the downsides, the negatives... The just UGHness of stopping.
Stuff like 'migraine for a week' ... 'Previously Unknown level of nausea'... 'Panic'... 'Suicidal'... 'Stay on them'... 'Cramps'... 'Uncontrollable tears' ... 
Wow.

I found this information on day 2 post ADs. 

When I was climbing the walls in hyperactivity. When my brain was like a coiled spring and I couldn't compose a sentence. When I was hypersensitive and angry. Wild and unpredictable.

Fortunately I had told my husband what was going on. I seriously think he'd have gone out for a week long walk otherwise.

So I thought I'd compose a diary. For what it's worth.

Day one: nothing to note. I've forgotten a tablet a day here and there before, so it's no biggie. I'm doing this on a half strength so it's actually better than having forgotten one.
Insomnia, increased appetite.. Otherwise... Nothing.

Day two. AM. Feels like electrical impulses zapping in my brain (this often happens when I miss a day so isn't new) a slight detachment.
Early PM erratic and slightly lightheaded. 
Later PM insane. As above paragraph. 
Much later PM (wondering if having friends for tea was really a good idea) on edge, flighty but under control, mostly.
Insane level of insomnia

Day three. Tell my boss so she understands if I have to go home. Explain the not nice day.
Surprise myself with my calmness and okay ness,
No jarring behaviour, no hyper anything...
Insomnia

And so here I am, wondering what's ahead. Knowing that day three isn't day thirty. That in one month I have to come off this half strength dose and withdraw totally.

Wondering. 
If the week before Christmas really was a good time to do this thing.

If it's going to be worth it.

If I'll even go back to taking them.
There's my fear.
But...

I'm not who I was 12 years ago, I'm not who I was 1 year ago.
I struggle with who I am and why I am that way, but so do we all.
I have a stronger faith than I did.
I fall just as badly and I fail just as badly but I get up stronger than I used to. 
I'm learning to lean one hand on the cross when I get back up. 
I'm learning to seek it more.
It helps me stand stronger and straighter.
I'm not worthy of the price that was paid there, but it was paid for me because God says I'm worth it.

Christians struggle with depression. Belief doesn't give you immunity.
Believing in yourself only lets you down, because you're not perfect and you can't (no matter what self help or prosperity preaching tells you) carry yourself. Your body gives up. Your mind strength resolve or purpose shifts.
You cannot save you.

So here I am again turning a blog post into a ministry.
Wait til my mind's free of the AD stuff.
I can't wait to see where my brain goes then!