Hmm. Interesting. I wrote here that I felt wretched, and I did. Then I got an interesting insect bite on my leg which itched and ached.... And when I finally got a doctor to look at it, she diagnosed it as shingles.
Caused by the herpes virus which lies dormant, the stress I'd put my body under - meds withdrawal and emotional - brought it out as shingles (again). Aha! Wretchedness made sense. Took a wee while to get over, not sure I'm there yet as the scars of the spots still survive.
And here I am back to square one, all the feels that drove me to the doctor for the first GAD (general anxiety disorder) diagnosis years ago.
Sigh.
Continual feelings of dread (you know, when you're a kid and waiting to get into trouble for something, that pit of the stomach feeling? That. All day.)
Brain unable to stop. Insomnia.
Over processing.
I look around and know I live comfortably, I know when my family are and they're safe, I have great friends and a solid job. Nothing to be anxious about.
In this world where judgements and opinions are freely and easily shared, I hesitate to tell people.
So many "know" how I feel, and offer me advice. While their motives are good, their actions stunt my progress, as the frustration I feel about their actually not knowing (when you 'know', you say different things to what I hear) adds to the pile of unnecessary emotions.
I've acted horribly, said things I regret and not been a nice person to be around at all.
But it's not all gloom and doom. Life goes on and stuff has to happen, so it does.
Every day I feel better, every day I understand it more. Yet every day I still wonder about my decision.
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