Sunshine lollipops rainbows everywhere

No no no.

It isn't joy in the morning and it isn't happy days.

But the fact is, writing was cathartic I saw my hurt in my words and wanted to help the person hurting.

I wrote my last blog post so entrenched in my own vile bitter sludge.

And I put it on my Facebook  wall.

And took it off because it's too raw.

and put it back on.

Then realized people I work with would see it, so took it off.

Then realized people need to know that, heck, depression happens.
And put it on.

And so it goes.

And people need to know that no matter how I look and act...
I'm a good actor.
And that's what it feels like, really.
And still I want to take it down because, huh, it's too confronting. You'll think less of me, you'll think... 


Coming back from a pit isn't easy. It's often slow or it might only take a day or two
.
I've battled this creep for so long now, you'd think I'd learn to see the warning signs ahead of time.

But I think 'this time it will be better'. And sometimes it is. Actually most times it is. Just sometimes it all happens at once and hits me like a steam train. And life comes from everywhere and I can't breathe, in all the 'stuff' happening and having to be so many people and so many things and i lose sight of me...and my defenses are down.... And I crash. 

And this time I know peope prayed for me. I felt it. And God told me.
And Im learning it doesn't matter what you think of me.
It doesn't matter that I can't articulate the catalyst.

And today I'm not completely stuck at the bottom of the well, I can see a bucket to get me out.

Shalom. 





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So I just have to