is the grass greener? or just insta-lawn...

This is another old rediscovered post. Written when I was knee deep in toilet training, school and kindy runs and two loads of washing every day, I recognise my feelings when I wrote this. I have edited it slightly.

Some friends are away this weekend; they’ve headed off on a romantic weekend away.  Long lazy nights, sleep-ins with breakfast in bed, romantic walks, deep and meaningful conversation, great dinners…….  Am I jealous?  Heck, yes. Why don’t I just do the same thing?  Well, that’s not so simple to answer quickly.  If this were a movie this would be the bit where the picture would go wobbly or fade and background music would fade in…as I told my tale….but it’s not a movie, so please just imagine that bit.

My friends aren’t married.  Well they were, but not to each other.  They’re the new generation of parents, the ones who have separated at some point and share custody of their children with their estranged partner.  
Once a fortnight, the children go to their dad, his new partner and her kids, and my friend and her new man get to have that weekend away I mentioned.

They and other friends in similar situations regale me with their stories of woe and happiness. This isn’t bashing of single or separated mums, please don’t feel that.  I know there are innumerable valid reasons to leave a marriage.   This isn’t about that.  It’s not a judgement call on that area of their lives in any way; it’s a call for the kids. That they have a voice. I also know there are 'deadbeat dads' who don't do their share, and there are single mums who bust a gut to nurture and help their kids survive every day. To you, we owe gratitude and respect. This isn't about you.

“The two days a fortnight we have alone while the kids are at their dads just isn’t enough time to build this new relationship with my new man” they complain. 

It's hard. I understand that the excitement and the newness of the relationship means you want to spend all your time together, exploring each other’s personalities, but your kids are important too.  

Their time away from you shouldn’t be seen by you - and thereby them - as your welcome relief.   

What of your relationship with your kids?  Are you working as hard on maintaining it?  Do you take them away for two days without the new man to maintain that relationship as well?

“He’s (new man) never had kids, but is just trying so hard with mine, they love him to bits, really they do”, they assure me.

I know, I’ve seen him with them, and he does care about them, and they for him.  When it comes to discipline, who has the final say? You, their biological parent, or him, the new man in your life? How do you manage when he doesn’t understand that the youngest has had asthma / reflux / other problems which mean he wakes up five times a night?  He doesn’t have that bond, he doesn’t have the depth of knowledge of them like you and their dad did. Yes he'll learn, I know.
And what about when they become (or are) teenagers?  This is a stage even biological parents struggle with. Will they still love each other to bits?  Or will it become an even bigger battle than the teenage years are anyway? I know it's great now, but try not to sink into complacency.

“The kids are happy, they don’t have any problems, it all worked out so smoothly”

Kids can be hard to read. Have they been on their own to a counsellor to talk this through?  Have you then joined with them in a session or two?  Has your ex?   

Have the kids been entirely honest with you?  Without the new man around? 
If you’ve done all that and it’s really working out, then kudos to you, and thank you for being so committed and caring and putting that hard effort in. Your kids will be better and stronger for your work.

“Their dad’s trying to get out of his access visits.  It’s only two weekends a month, the lazy so and so.  His new girlfriend complains when she has to have our two kids, because with her three, that means she’s got five kids in the house at the one time, she goes bananas.”

I think she would!  You find it hard to build your new relationship with two days a fortnight, remember, but what about their new relationship?  It deserves time too. Time with no kids.

And ... what about the kids?  How much time do they get to adjust to all these new relationships happening around them?

Perhaps the saddest thing in all this is that your kids visit their dad with his new partner while her kids are around as well, but (I cant emphasise this bit enough) while your children are with you during your access time… her kids still have… your kid’s dad.. every day.
That can hurt.

So what about that relationship? The one your kids are missing out on with their own dad and solo dad time? 

Are they entirely happy to share him, seeing these other kids enjoying the company of their dad full time when they only have him - shared …two days a fortnight? 

And what about the new step siblings?

What about when a new half-sibling comes in from either side?  This can either work well or can compound the problem.  The same thing happens; while one of you parents send your children to the other for their visit, it's time to stay home with the new partner and the child you've had together, with lots of bonding time there again.  
So does your child from your first marriage get the same undivided attention that the new baby gets? 
Can having their own child from the new relationship affect the step parental relation ship?

Kids have feelings, too

A few years ago I had the privilege of watching the state finals of a secondary school’s rock/music show, with students from all areas and all socio-economic groups competing. These kids were amazing.  Talented, confident, brave. 
The most touching moment for me came when the teenaged spokesperson from one school dedicated their performance to “all our parents”.  The actual comment was something along the lines of “Please remember us with our attachments to our old lives when your new lives are starting.”

Separation is never easy on anyone, let’s not forget or downplay that.  
Everyone gets involved. There are lawyers, friends from both sides, relatives who may become ex-relatives, divisions of assets, broken hearts, hurt feelings, all the emotions of grief, plus perhaps embarrassment, recriminations, anger and a myriad of other feelings.  

And they’re not just yours, you share them. Whether intentionally or not.
Because kids have feelings, too.

A young woman from a separated family told me she cried herself to sleep for years because she didn’t “belong” anywhere. 
“Everyone tried to get rid of us so they could be alone.  Mum was glad when we went to dads and dad was relieved when we left him.  And I saw them spending money on themselves and the other kids while we were away from their house, but when we were there as well, they told us we couldn’t afford ice creams or McDonalds because there were too many of us."

I thought ‘Why can’t someone just be happy to have us around and just love us?  What’s wrong with us that they treat us like that?’ ”

I’m not a psychologist, nor am I a counsellor.  So I had no words of advice for this young lady, I just held her while she cried again, five years after leaving home as an adult. And my heart was bursting with the pain I tried to take from her.

 Maybe the grass is greener; maybe it’s not.  Whatever your reasons for starting afresh, the biggest reason to make your new life work has to be your kids.   
Not so that they become spoilt attention seekers or "ruin" your new relationships... but so that they feel loved, accepted and worthy.  
Because they are worthy.   
And they’re worth the effort.