Another of my older posts.
“But what do you do if…you know…they spring you, you know…doing it?” asked my childless friend at a table full of mums.
Some faces were averted, some were red, and others were animated. The stories began.
One mum’s story had her young lady, barely able to see over the top of the bed, saying “what you doing?” With this being the first indication of her arrival in the room, the parents, flustered, asked “what do you think we’re doing?”
”Playing horsie rides” came the reply. Mum said “we were, you’re right, would you like a ride?” The daughter hopped on top of the pile of bodies, had a little bit of a jiggle and happily wandered off to watch the Wiggles again.
Others were not so lucky. “Mum and dad, put your clothes back on and get out of bed”, was the loud announcement another couple heard when their son admitted visitors who’d arrived quietly and unexpectedly.
Yet another told of her three year old son bringing his best friend into the bedroom to show her the new shirt he got this morning at the shops.
They are the stories we think we’ll tell at their twenty first birthday parties, but then realise we’re too embarrassed to when the time comes. Because at twenty one, they don’t think they were cute, they think we were gross.
And we still are.
Because, now, we’re like…So old.
So past it.
Do you do the birds and bees talk with the kids or take the cowardly yet somehow satisfyingly easy way out and go to the parent / child talks run at your local school or community centre? These can be embarrassing for the nervous or the shy, yet seem tame for other parents.
If this whole piece seems irrelevant to you, well done, you are obviously from the tribe of parents known as “Bravus maturius”. This isn’t for you. This is for those who baulk at the thought of mentioning the “s” word, of using correct terminology for body parts, or of being seen naked by their children. There’s lots of this tribe out there too.
Is your child actually ready for the graphic nature of the school’s parents and kids talk? More to the point…Are you?
One mum of three had her daughter glare at her during the school se session and, in the stage whisper only possible from a nine year old, spit out “What? You and dad did that horrible thing THREE times? I don’t believe it.”
Another mum, on the way home from the sessions, asked her daughter if there was anything she wanted to talk about or ask, seeing as they were in privacy. The daughter, tossing back her hair, said breezily “Oh yeah, well, you know that thing about the periods? I’m not doing that. I’m just not going there at all.”
“Well at least now I know what all those funny sounds coming from your bedroom are”, was the opinion of another wise child post-attendance, prior to demonstrating the ‘funny’ sounds. “Those sounds.”
Why does it seem so hard? Is it our own self consciousness that makes it so hard to do? Are we worried what our children will think of us? Is it because we don’t want them knowing too much too soon? Trust me, they’ll find out about it soon enough. Just because you don’t discuss it at your house doesn’t mean their friend at kindergarten, school, preschool or childcare doesn’t. Are we worried what they’ll do with the information?
I remember sitting in church, hearing a child pointing out and telling his mother which people in the pews in front had a penis and which had a “pagina”.
There are so many resources available to parents to assist with broaching this subject, and they aren’t all on TV! Your local public library may even have a list of titles available, or your local versions of “family life” (who host the seminars) certainly have many tried and tested books and videos to select from.
Probably a lot of us remember “Where did I come from” with its bold illustrations. We’ve come a long way, baby. Now some of the titles include the blatantly obvious “Let’s talk about where babies come from” or “Let’s talk about sex”. There are books available for most ages and stages.
The web is chock full of information as well, and tips on how to introduce the topic with your child, or how to find out what your child knows.
Whichever way you choose to broach the subject with your child, bear in mind their maturity and their capacity for understanding.
Some children, upon hearing about sex, and realising their parents have indulged in the practice, can actually appear to see one parent reduced from being an idol to being “rude”.
Others can be shattered by the knowledge, whereas still others simply take it in stride and don’t turn a hair about it all. Only you can know your child and what they can take in, and how much information makes information overload.
And what of the stories of the schoolyard? How do you handle being told by your child that they weren’t found out in the cabbage patch, they know that because Zara told them they came out of your belly button after dad kissed it? Or any of the rest of the myriad of incorrect information that fills the playground? Be honest. Being honest doesn’t mean telling them the entire repertoire of sex education. Again, gauging it by your child, a simple “well the doctor came to the hospital and helped you be born” may suffice. Or you may need to give more information than that. Without being dishonest, you can be evasive.
One mum recalls her daughter asking her “what’s inside my dad’s balls?” Agog at her precociousness, the mum fumbled a bit and asked “what?”
“Well I was just in there where dad’s asleep and I saw them, and I wondered what’s in them.” To cut a long and excruciating tale short, little daughter had spied a box of Maltesers on dad’s bedside cupboard and wanted to know if they were yummy or not. To this day, the mum is thankful for her own sudden inability to be more than monosyllabic!
Only you can know the depth and breadth of information your child can handle and only you can know the depth and breadth of information YOU can handle giving out! Just a warning though, wait til they’re young adults discovering their own sexuality and quietly mocking your “archaic” views, because they know so much more than you. The only revenge is knowing that one day they too will have children and be in the same boat. Then we’ll see who’s mocking who!
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